for hints about the struggles

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For the folks who actually read this I'm sorry I haven't updated the site much. I'm sorry that I haven't had time to write lately. I've been busy, and I've been throwing between fifteen and twenty hours a week away in my commute. I'm wrestling with some fairly big things right now. some of which would be very helpful for me to work out in ths arena. some of which may not be appropriate. in any event hang on there I'm not gone and I'll be back.

in the mean time if anyone has an ISA card that puts out NTSC it could help the whole not writing thing by redeeming some of those hours I've been throwing away

Thanks much to Elise for this link. I have always felt that Paul was a Dishonest Powerhungry distorter who twisted everything he wrote to whatever little plan he had at the time. I am not saying that God doesn't occasionally come down , strike people blind and have a little conversation with them occasionally. I am just saying that he didn't do it with Paul. All those letters? I just reject. I have read them and I am pretty sure he was off the mark. I have always felt alone in this before this post. Most non-LWOG's even seem to accept Paul's story. All of the Hate and stupidity I hear on the local Christian Hate Radio Affiliate seems to stem from those damn letters or the old testament ( and there's just not much you can do about the old testament. lots of cause for self superiority and hatemongering in there) . The books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John do alright. From a strictly anthropological point of view they are kind of Ideal. Four slightly differing Eyewitness Accounts of the same events written down by folks with decent informational hygiene habits. A historian's wet dream. We probably have more accurate history there than we do of the Kennedy assassination. Not so Liar Paul.
anyway it's nice to know I am not the only one out there who feels that way.

I was listening to the reggae show on ciut on the way home from work today because I am quite sick of hearing the crap about the election. I think it ended all to early. we should have all pushed this thing to its limit and then a little farther. we should have had the electors squabble then switch allegiance back and forth at the last minute. we should have thrown it to the house, then to the senate where the tiebreaking vote would have to been cast by gore himself. we put all these failsafe in there for a reason. lets fucking use them. When will we ever get another chance. fucking stodgy old supreme court justices. we put them in charge of the damn thing and they are afraid to see if it will work. (or at least five of them anyway. the other four seemed ready to rumble.) It's like having a having a porsche 917K you bought at the estate sale of an old teamowner and putting it in a museum instead of trailering it down to your local vintage racing establishment and seeing what it'll do. seing what it feels like to run the long straight at 180 miles per hour. Fucking pansy assed woussy bastards.
So i'm pissed. I'm sick of the hearing about and I just can't handle Terri Gross' obsequious crap with the chucklehead who wrote the impeachment ordeal and is gonna have the first book to market with this one too. So I listen to the reggae. good news too they seemed to have ejected the fellow who turned it to an hour of literal word of god nonsense and replaced with actual reggae. (and toronto is the place for it. If you are looking for real rastafaris (not the pot smoking morons you see in the movies but the real honest never cut their hair, never eat meat, gunsmuggling, bad ass muthafucka rastas) Toronto is the place to go.) They helped put it all into perspective for me.

Rasta A: Yah mon, dat stoff in the oonighted snakes uff mareeka t'day. hmmm!

Rasta B: wott it motter. I kun tellem 'part 'neehow. em all from Babylon. no rooom for dere kine in Zion.

For those of you who didn't know this already. I am very seriously going whole hog Rastafari. if only So I can be there when Babylon Burns.

Democracy is coming to the USA. Thank You Elise as always for just the perfect quote.

Yup that's her to a t. I'd have to say she's becoming much more self aware these days. Something I'd highly recommend over self-conscious

The only woman I have ever loved in my adult life besides my wife has finally found a decent man. This isn't really news. In fact it wasn't really news when I found out weeks ago. It's just taken this long to articulate exactly how I felt. I say finally found not to indicate any fault in her. No she's damn near perfect. I say finally because decent men are in extremely short supply. There just aren't many men around that are worth having. Patti has one. Elise has one. I like to believe my wife has one, but I know this was not always the case. At this point I know exactly one who isn't taken and his availability is somewhat complicated.

So it is with barely containable joy that I hear of her good fortune. By all accounts he is a good man. and about damn time. He is packing his whole life to go to be with her and give her the support she deserves as she begins a great venture in both the business world, and her personal world. I wish them happiness and a long happy life together. (and eventually a happy life closer to home so they can visit and we can watch each other's kids grow.)

Her happiness is vital to me, like that of my children and my wife. Her misery and pain is like a dagger into my own flesh, and there's been no shortage of that. Over the years I've known her, she's been a good friend, a love if not a lover, a good friend to my wife, heir to my children, and altogether more decent and loving and forgiving than I ever had cause to hope. She once refused to marry me, and it may be one of the smartest things she's ever done( and there's been no shortage of those either). Had she not refused I would have been an entirely different person than I am now and she would have been forced into my shadow. Now she has grown into the person she should be and could not possibly fit in anyone's shadow. I am far the richer seeing her happy now, with my life as it is with my wonderful wife and perfect children.

So would everyone within earshot please join me in wishing them Health, Happiness, and Love always in hearth and home.

Here is a piece I wrote about six years or so ago. I am not sure why I dug it up or why I am posting it now except that It seems the thing to do.

Duty, Loyalty, Responsibility

I group these together because while they are separate concepts they are interrelated. Lets start with

Responsibility

A person has responsibility for their own actions, inactions, choices, and any processes they control. Additionally a person has partial responsibility for any processes that they can affect but not control. These things are permanent. You are responsible for this, like it or not. A person can also CHOOSE to accept responsibility for things above beyond and the minimum standards. This isn't always a bad idea but it rarely leads to happiness. That's ok; it's your CHOICE.

Duty

When a person accepts responsibility for a person, process, idea, or whatever that is not in that person's control I call it duty. This can lead to happiness. This can lead to world conquest and concentration camps. Let's be careful with this one.

Loyalty

The mechanism by which a person acquires duty is loyalty. Again the CHOICE is free here. Loyalty given to a person, process, Idea, is a CHOICE; you have responsibility for it. Keep in mind that you may not be able to choose the duties that come with giving a loyalty. CHOOSE your loyalties carefully. Don't bitch about your duties.

We don't live in a perfect world. There are conscription armies and shotgun weddings. These kind of things make for hard choices; death or a bad marriage, prison or military service. While these things don't blur the lines about responsibility, duty, and loyalty, they do blur the lines around

Honor

Honor has to do with how a person keeps loyalties and duties once accepted. Honor does NOT have to do with loyalties and duties that one person feels that some other person should have. A person makes an agreement and honors it by keeping that agreement. It may not be dishonorable to break an agreement under certain circumstances, then again it may be. The lines are not so clear here. Each person has to make their own CHOICES and live with them, or die with them.

An Illustrative Example

During the buildup to the Persian Gulf War or more accurately during Desert Shield I had a friend who was opposed to the war. I was also opposed to the war. We had a talk one day where she felt that even though she was a VOLUNTEER member of the Air Force Reserve she shouldn't have to go. She said that if her unit were activated that she would take a dishonorable discharge or desert or whatever it took not to go. I told her that if she did I would not support her, trust her or allow her to teach any children I might have in the future. She was very surprised by my response. I explained to her that by volunteering for the Air Force, and accepting their money, training, and allowing them to put her through school and then deserting them the first time that they asked for Duty she would be forever DisHONORable in My eyes. My feelings about the then impending war did not play a part in my feelings about honor and trust. Did I fail in my duty to stand by a friend? No, I only told that she would lose my trust. Would I have given her the same answer if she had been drafted? Probably not. She did go, but I don't know why because to this day she won't talk with me.